Friday, 28th September 2001
Ugh! I have horrible, humungous (and I am not exaggerating) insect bites all over my legs, and I am about to rip my skin off my bones. I've applied generous doses of calamine lotion on the infected area, but the itch won't go away... and those that I unwittingly scratched have left ugly marks on my lovely legs. I even have them below my butt cheeks! My legs are disfigured...
I am not going for adult CG tonight. Not with my legs in this condition! I hope this all goes away by Sunday or I won't be able to face my handsome Nick.
Today I was going to buy the purple dress, but I decided to do away without it and use the money to bless others instead. So I got my sister a FM radio receiver (she always takes the bus), Angela a lime green bohemian bag (and I bought myself a pink one) and Shirley a funny bee thing.
I am sitting with my right leg raised up to my chest (in a most unladylike fashion) because I have calamine lotion on the underside of my thighs as well. The damn itch is killing me. Somebody save me please!
7:05 p.m.
Raymond called.
"How are you?"
(See how much he loves me? =))
The last time I counted (as I was sitting on the toilet bowl and grimacing away), there were 14 bites. Some are swelling bigger. This is worse than stomach cramps. I feel like a monster. Where's my sister with the medicine!
Thursday, 27th September, 2001
I was chatting with Lynx on ICQ when he told me that his first reaction to my dress incident (read 21st of September's entry) was that he wanted to buy the dress for me... aww!
I jokingly asked him if the offer was still on and he said it would if he wasn't so broke.
Then he added that he got me buttered melon seeds instead, but I was inclined not to believe him because he can be quite a joker at times. He totally surprised me when he told me he had proof and sent me a webcam shot of himself and the packet of seeds.
Yay for me, because I have finished both packets my mum bought me. =P In fact I am craving for it now but I have to content myself with a chunky-peanut-butter sandwich. Thankew, supaboy. 2:14 p.m. I've finished working on my very first Aspire assignment! Yay... looks like a fun place too. If you like pink, that is. 9:49 p.m. Reviled. Her site, apart from dashes of sugary-sweet pink with an annoying midi that loads itself in the middle of viewing, is almost identical to WC's. The format, the contents, the style of writing. Isn't she taking her fondness for him (note I am writing this lightly) a bit too far? Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm just biased, but I don't like her and this is my journal and I can bitch all I like. Oooh, the feisty cat's been let out of the bag. Why do I not like her? I've mentioned it before, and actually it is quite worth re-mentioning. She vehemently denied liking WC to me when she told everyone else otherwise and she wanted to get close to me just so she can sponge off more information about my then-relationship with him. I won't go to the extent of talking about her other not-so-endearing points. If I am insulting her, am I insulting her Creator? Oops. But bottom line is, I don't like her, never did and don't like I ever will. Sorry. So many people from my church seems to have a homepage. Myself, Xrys, Jo, Lynx, Will, her, Weichun, JC, PS, Dar... and probably more I've not discovered. (And I'm not linking the new ones up either.) I just hope who I think has my URL stays as that, meaning, that there'll be no nasty surprises of people snooping around my journal without telling me. For my October's layout, I am going to put a counter, methinks. I know there are a lot more folks who read my innermost thoughts and feelings without signing my book. If you're one of them, it would be nice to hear from you once in a while. =}
Wednesday, 26th September 2001
I got a snail mail from Mishie all the way from Canada today, and it made my day much cheerier! =) I spent over an hour writing back a four-page letter and made her a collage with her darling Josh Hartnett on it. Just hope I don't procrastinate in sending it out - sometimes I write her postcards but never get down to mailing it to her and it's all somewhere in my mess of a room. Heh. I am listening to Backstreet Boy's debut self-titled album... it's been collecting dust in my special BSB CD rack (I have a horrendous number of their CDs... don't ask!) and I just got nostalgic all of a sudden, so it's on. I literally worshipped them. I can still recount all the time I spent watching their videos or tape performances and interviews over and over again, listening to their CDs on replay and memorising every word of the lyrics, the hundreds (accumulating to over a thousand) of dollars I spent on buying foreign magazine that so much as mentioned them and other memoribilia. I kept a diary for Brian. I even made them a website with my mediocre design skills then. I ate, slept and breathed Backstreet Boys, me. You want to talk obssession? I would cry when I thought too hard about Brian Littrell, my pride and joy, the love of my life, my knight in shining armour... you get the idea. Don't even make me get into how I reacted hysterically when I found out he was engaged (and subsequently married!) - or you can ask my sister who loves to tell everyone about it. I was convinced he was my destiny and pledged never to marry anyone else but him. I put it all behind me when I decided to get serious with God and cast aside my idols. But yes, I still squeal when I see them on television. =)
Tuesday, 25th September 2001
What do I do when I am stressed?
1) I eat even more than I already do.
2) I plug in to whatever music I deem fit for my mood, but it's frequently BSB or SMAP.
3) I spend money. I shop for clothes, I buy books and CDs, random stationary, and of late, handphone housing, heh.  4) I go back to the Word of God, no debate on the authenticity of His Truth. But now I just want to sleep, although I know I have more important things to do. I impress myself with my dilligence sometimes, ay!
Monday, 24th September 2001
Today has been a long, long day.
I slept only at around 4 in the morning because I was first, writing a letter to Nick (okay, so I added in two star stickers... =P) and second, making a funky collage card for birthday boy Daniel.
I skipped my Japanese Studies lecture in the morning, and it's on the topic of J-pop which I've been waiting the entire course to do... oh well!
Got to school at two-ish, met Priscilla and ended up hanging out with her till 4 (before our respective IT classes, we geeks!). Realised she doesn't eat lunch, which is probably the secret to her slimness... ah, I'll never be able to resist food! =) We had a fun time talking about guys and relationships, and I told her about Nick and Boy while she told me about Derry. =P
Also met up with Chien from Aspire to discuss about the 'entertainment' section that Ling posted me to. The job doesn't sound very complicated or difficult, but I just need to get into the swing of things. I'm totally behind for classes and I have two term papers and a project due next week which I haven't started on, honestly this Aspire obligation is not very important to me.
My IT class was cut to half because we finished our set of notes early and he wanted to give us time to prepare for the tutorial tomorrow. I haven't even started, and the questions are scaring me already. Research on Fordism, Taylorism, Scientific Management, post-industrial / post-capitalist society, Anthony Giddens’ work... This article is a treatise on the information revolution. It represents the two authors’ view that revolution transcends the technology that is currently being used to sustain its cause. In your opinion, what are the authors trying to say?"
Questions like this almost makes me feel stupid and unworthy to be studying at a university level. =(
After school, YW and I met Shirley for dinner at Clementi and then we took a train down to AMK for YF leader's prayer meet. YW started crying sometime during the ride, but I was sitting away from them and felt helpless. She's my best friend in church, but sometimes I feel like I can't minister to her in her times of burden and sorrow.
The prayer meet was different. Won't go into details, but we washed each other's feet (just as Jesus to his disciples) and said prayers of blessing and repentance to one another. Then we broke into smaller groups of threes where we prayed on our own, then picked one out for ministering and praticed the prayer of deliverance and inner healing we learned at Pastor Basil's session. I delberately grouped with YW and Ann. Turns out YW was tired and discouraged about her youth CG but she didn't say much so I just prayed for every area of her life I could think of. She messaged me later to thank me and tell me she was ministered to... =)
Now that I'm home, I had better read up for my tutorial and get it done or it would be another late night. And I don't have time to prepare for my Sociology class as usual, dang!
Sunday, 23rd September 2001
 I just can't seem to get enough of these yummy buttered melon seeds. I would eat them all day long if I could. Today I messaged Nick after service and his prompt reply was, "Hmm, why don't you seem to talk to me in church?" I stumbled and fumbled and made up some noble excuse that it's too hard to talk with many people around, I feel more comfortable in smaller groups and I have to take care of my youths. Rubbish. He didn't reply. And that got me worried because I didn't want to give him the idea that I don't care, and oh I do, so I turned the tables on him and messaged him saying, "Besides, you don't talk much to me in church too... =P Nevermind." And again, he didn't reply. It didn't dawn upon me what a big idiot I have been acting around him until today. I am so self-assured and at ease with everyone in church, but I clam up like a bloody oyster shell the moment I see him. And it got me thinking, that if I really wanted to be friends with him, I shouldn't treat him any differently from anyone else. I felt horrible. I'm not surprised if he thinks I'm majorly weird or that I don't like to talk to him. It's the irrational fear of embarrassment and rejection that stumps me everytime I'm standing face-to-face with him. Lynx reminded me that I would lose my charm if I got a middleman to get through to him or if I can't be myself around him. I'm probably gonna write him a letter to explain myself and pass it to him next week... Anyhow, I had a adult CG core group meeting and before we parted, Shirley suggested everyone named a strength about each other as an affirmation and encouragement. Julie said there was a very attractive personality and aura about me, Shirley said my healthy self-esteem (bordering on narcissism?) and confidence was my strong point, Des said I am very appreciative of the things people do for me and Ray said I was actually very adorable (which greatly surprised me). He mentioned how I can be outright silly at times, but there's something about me that makes people wanna pamper me and take good care of me... hmmm! *L* Enough of the self-inflating. In retrospect, I guess I've just been blessed by God with all these incredible people surrounding me, with a special mention to Xrys who has been exceedingly loving and patient with my ways. Thank you, dear. And I had a nice day out with Cherrie and Lynx today. We sat in the Starbucks outlet at the Concourse and Lynx initiated us into the game of international chess (which I still don't get!). We played the classic Ludo, and was later joined by this impish Indonesian-Chinese kid named Joko who was hanging around waiting for his mum to pick him up (after class at the language centre next door). I had noticed him sitting alone in a corner eating a sliced cake and felt so inexplainably drawn to him. Turned out to be quite a rascal who made a lot of childish remarks during the game and even challenged me that he would beat me with $5 (and I refuse to gamble), but he's just a boy after all. And maybe I'm just a girl after all. =)
Saturday, 22nd September 2001
There's a funfair and pasar malam (night market in local speak) at the open field next to the mall right across the road from my place. It's a kaleidescope of dazzling neon lights contrasted against the darkness of the night sky, and it just looks so pretty from the corridor outside my flat... I would take pictures with my digital camera, but I'm plain lazy. =)
 I bought a transparent baby pink housing for my handphone for just one buck - I'm not sure if it looks lian-ish, but I don't really care. I was looking for a solid red one but it was either beyond my pathetic budget or not nice... Snapped more photos at YF today. Now that I'm no longer "evaluating" Boy, it's great that our friendship can continue as old and at a deeper level of understanding too. I am waiting for the exclusive premier of Backstreet Boy's "Drowning" music video on Channel 5... but they are still showing the tribute show to America's heroes. Oh hurry already!
Friday, 21th September 2001
I am too tired and relieved for words. (Shall elaborate when I'm ready to talk about it.)
6:10 p.m. I am on a ringtone downloading rampage after I snitched the Nokia 3310 my dad's been hiding in his wardrobe yesterday. My current tones include "Can't take my eyes off you", "Video killed the radio star", "I try", "Lionheart", "Sometimes" and the theme song of Doraemon, heh. I can't seem to find "Shape of my heart" anymore... =( Oh, like anyone really needs to know. So, now that I'm more coherent, perhaps I should write about what I almost did just now. I went to a departmental store at Clementi to buy this red dress I've been eyeing all week and as I was walking into the fitting room to try it on again, I saw another simple purple dress and decided to try that on as well. Both dresses looked great on me, but I only had enough money for one. And it was a tough choice because I've been thinking about the red dress all week but this lovely new dress had to come along and test my fickle mind... And I couldn't help but notice there wasn't any of those electronic price tags on the dresses, which would make it really easy for me to fold one up and stuff it into my bag and just pay for the other. From the corner of my eye, I could see the "Shoplifting doesn't pay" sign plastered on the wall of the booth, but it didn't mean anything to me. Should I or should I not, the perennial conundrum laid before me. Somehow I excercised enough self-restraint to put the purple dress back on its hanger and placed it back on the racks where it belonged. But as I stood over the racks looking at the dress, a voice inside of me was whispering, "Take it, Tricia, it would look fantastic on you and won't cost you a thing... no one would notice, really." Right then I semi-made up my mind that I was going to steal it, so I took it off the rack (again) and to make it less conspicuous I took another dress to try on. Now that I was back in the fitting room, hidden from the roving eyes of the saleswomen planted around the store, I stood there with my eyes fixated on the paper price tag. Firstly, it wasn't even expensive. While it wouldn't be a huge loss to the store, I could easily save up for it next week. Next, what should I say when people compliment me on it next time? Oh, I stole it from a store. I was also certain that God might just punish me by making the dress split apart while I was wearing it or something. Still I couldn't resist the temptation. I tore the price tag off the clothes label, folded the damned dress and put it into my bag. I slung it over my shoulder and was ready to go when I picture the devil laughing heartily and telling God how he just scored another victory against Him. I sighed to myself in exasperation and took the dress out of my bag and hung it back. If I had stolen the dress successfully (which I am very certain I would have), I know the evil thought was shoplifting would creep back into my mind everytime I try on something in the future. Today a dress, tomorrow a wallet, who knows what next time? I couldn't be so stupid as to let the devil take a foothold on me like that. I am a smart kid with a bright future and I deserve better for myself! I paid for the red dress at the cashier, knowing I had done the right thing. As Xrys (she was the first and only person I informed right after the incident) messaged me later, "The love of beauty can be a sin sometimes..." Father Lord, I know I've fallen short of your glory and my flesh is weak. Take control of me Lord, and help me find contentment in what I already have. I know despite what I almost did, you still love me beyond my comprehension and I thank You for that. I thank you for the conviction of the Holy Spirit that resides in me and for the blood of Jesus which erased all my sins and gave me life eternal. Be glorifed in my life, Lord. And for everyone's info, I haven't done the 'dirty deed'. I haven't found someone whom I can trust enough to do it yet, and I need an ingenious plan of execution as well. This cannot fail.
Wednesday, 19th September 2001
I am going to do something rather stupid (perhaps more of crazy), but I've been waiting for a chance in years and now that it is lying right in front of me, I will not let it go away. I am not saying what it is yet, but I think it might be worth it. I just need to know. I would have to rope in the help of an accomplice to do the dirty deed for me, but that's not the difficult part, it is the planning and carrying out that is. And I just can't wait. Tomorrow it will be done.
My Japanese Studies project presentation on family went very well today although my group members had some problems in articulation, it was well-received and the Powerpoint slides I stayed up till past 3 to do looked impressive. =)
Skipped Sports Club again. I was supposed to meet up with Ann at Cityhall before that, but I was really tired from the long school day and stayed at home to type out my Sociology notes and am working on my after-presentation report and peer assessment.
John called me twice again today, but it was to ask about lodging for university students (which left me perplexed because he is a working adult) and the number of a certain administrative staff (and why would I know that?) so I tried to help him best to my knowledge. At least he didn't try anything funny. I have to admit he's kinda cute in a decent, gentlemanly way, but I know better.
I finally bought the book "I kissed dating goodbye" by Joshua Harris. Heard from Julie it's a radical book that has challenges the secular view of dating, and a revolution is just what I need. I am sick of the dating game already... ;P
Sunday, 16th September 2001
Bought my Che-ez! cam to YF and snapped photos of people.
I'm not usually a big fan of stuffed toys but I received many this weekend by chance. It started off with the Oreo Man Weiyang gave me at the chalet, and then Xrys handed me a Forever Friends bear that came in a sweet pink packaging. Then I was poking around the goody bag Lynx got from the army half-marathon and he gave me these. Finally Shirley dumped a deformed Dopey into my bag, which I am keeping out of sympathy, haha. =)
They are all arranged nicely in my room now. Speaking of which, I should be moving in almost 2 months and still I have not packed except for my books and CDs (which I ironically access to most often). I can't imagine living anywhere else (I've lived here 17 of my 18 years!) but then again the new place is only a 10 minutes walk away and I'll be getting my own room at last! I probably have to rid of a lot of 'junk' I've accumulated all my life...
The stay at the chalet was fun, everything was paid for and Anthony bbq-ed all the food I wanted! The most of them were loitering outside when Julie and I stayed in the comfort of the air-conditioned room and traded girl secrets, heh. We hoarded the bed and slept the earliest, needless to say. =)
I didn't respond to the altar call today although I needed to be prayed for. Stood at my seat and tried to be strong, but I eventually broke down. The sermon was on "The Father Heart of God" and I was overwhelmed by how much God loves me and reminded me all the hurt, anger and bitterness caused by my dad. Suan came and say a vague prayer for me (not being sure why I was crying) and later got me to go down to the front of the stage. She got Hanbin over to support me while she got me to talk it out and commit all my feelings to the Lord. All the time Hanbin was holding me close to him and it felt really comforting and nice to have somehow to be held to... I've never had that kind of physical intimacy with my dad (and don't long for too). Later Suan embraced me warmly and continued to pray for me as I hugged her close to me. In a sense, it was breakthrough in my relationship with her too... I've always found her rather intimidating. But I felt a huge burden lifted off my chest when I poured it all out to Him. Thank you, Lord.
As quickly as I have made up my mind, I changed it. I can't convince myself that I go well with Boy because I keep thinking of myself as better off than him, both spiritually and academically. It's terribly shallow, I know, but I can't kid myself and say I don't care. And Nick had to sms-ed me out of the blue on Saturday afternoon with a "Hi, how's your new life in uni? Can cope?". I had to do a double-take (with glee!) since he's not exactly the kind who would initiate a conversation and be interested in my life. It was always mostly about him in the past. But I told him about the pathetic guys in Arts (so shoot me!) and he in turn told me about how he missed his NAPFA Gold by running late a few seconds and might not get into OCS... Okay, I'm turning back and picking up where I left right before, but I can't help it. Even Julie agreed that he looks fantabulous and at the tender age of 18, I still go by superficial standards and that's just who I am. But he didn't come for service today. And since we're on the topic of guys (or men), I had an bizarre encounter with what I term an Eager Beaver (let's call him John) this weekend. It's funny because I thought his friend M was interested in me since M's been asking me out persistently (and rejected dutifully because I don't like to give wrong signals), but M called me up on Thursday and told me John wanted my number. I was weirded out because I only met John the week before on the train to service and he was crapping about organising this photography trip and using me as a model (?!) and I went along with how I wanted a trailer and my make-up artist and hair-stylist. So anyhow I asked M why he wanted my number and John conveyed to him it was for personal reasons. Nonetheless cautious, I only gave out my handphone number. A few minutes later, I got a message from John and I didn't bother to reply. The next day I get another two messages and my phone rang twice during lecture but it was on discreet so I didn't pick up. Not having a clue who the caller was, I dialled back only to hear his unmistakable voice. "Oh hello Tricia, this is John calling you from Brighton Modelling Agency and this is your designated photographer speaking..." and before he could ramble on with his nonsense, I stopped him in his tracks and told him I was in the midst of a lecture. Unfaltered, he perkily said goodbye and hung up. That was the last I heard from him. I was careful not to go anywhere near him during service today. I am an official freak magnet.
 Are you praying for USA?
Saturday, 15th September 2001
Watched A.I. with Boy and Cherrie on Thursday. Haley Joel Osmond was a gem as the mecca David and Jude Law was irresistably sexy as Gigolo Joe (what do you know?). Too bad the ending dragged on for ages and all I could think about was how much I needed to pee.
Not coming home tonight. Des booked a chalet for the adult CG, so we'll be heading there after YF for a night of food and fun, and come Sunday morning we'll all go for service together. =)
Went to the dentist in the morning and waited an hour and a half for my turn. It only hurt at certian regions but apparently I hit a nerve somewhere and I need to go back for a second treatment. She only gave me a nursing today. $60 out of the window, those people must be rich! Well at least the dentist was really nice and she said a gentle sorry whenever I cringed during the treatment.
I better zap off or I'll be late for YF.
Thursday, 13th September 2001
So much has been said about the attacks, and frankly, I'm rendered speechless. It's just beyond my comprehension - the aftermath, the social, economic and political implications.
And God impressed upon me several verses :
"The Lord will work out everything for His own ends, even the wicked for a day of disaster."
"In your anger do not sin... for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires."
We can only get to our knees and pray.
For some strange reason, I am deeply affected by everything is happening around me. My confused feelings for Boy (I keep telling myself I deserve much better...), my insatiable physical attraction to Nick (I'm dreamt he got the most awful 'bowl' hairbut yet I still found him irresistable and wanted to go all out to impress him), my sudden lack of interest towards school and now, the attacks.
I'm still in the race - I still do my Quiet Time, I still pray, I still read His word, but I don't know where I'm running to.
It just seems like nothing is important anymore. Only God sees, and only God knows what He holds in His hands.
Wednesday, 12th September 2001
I was up till 4 in the morning watching the news on TV and skipped my single Sociology lecture at noon today. But imagine my immense relief when I got an e-mail from Ad telling me everything is fine and her sis is temporarily sheltered at a school gym. Thank God!
Still the devastation is unimaginable. I've been reading the latest news reports on Yahoo! and it said that the 47-storey building World Trade Centre No. 7 in the vicinity of the attack has collasped in the fire, as suspected of another hotel within the region. 256 firefighters and 85 firefighters are unaccounted for and feared dead, while the death toll is estimated to be in the tens of thousands. It's a calamity of epic proportions.
12:55 a.m.
I would have written sooner, had my eyes not been glued to the TV screen waiting for the latest updates on the crazy situation in New York right now. I was on my way home from Pastor Basil's training session when the SMSs kept coming in asking me to pray for the USA situation, and I had no grasp of the scope of disaster until I got home and saw the news.
I almost burst into tears when I realised that my best friend Adelin's sister Jasmin was studying in NYU.
I immediately started calling people up asking them to help me pray, afterwhich I called Ad in Colby. She wasn't in her dorm, so I got her answering machine so I just left her a quick message telling her I saw the news and I was praying for her. I can't imagine how worried and frightened she must be feeling now. I think I'll call her home tomorrow to check if there's any news from Jasmin.
I never followed up with politics so I have no idea what is going on, what the actual cause was and what's going to happen next. The last I heard, a hijacked plane is on its way to Washington. It was horrifying seeing the footage of the collapse of the World Trade Centre's twin towers being repeated on the screen. The level of ash on the pavement, the billowing smoke, desperate, hopeless people jumping out of the building, the terrified faces of the people being interviewed or caught on camera...
And the sickest part was the Palestinian kids prancing in front of the cameras celebrating the US attacks, waving their stupid little flags. Those ignorant children don't even have an inkling of the impact.
Such senselessness... I can't imagine how much it would cost or how long it would take to rebuild the destruction, or the number of innocent lives lost in the bombings.
It's just so unreal, more like it came out of a Hollywood blockbuster transcript than anything else. I mean, I was just there a few months ago, I walked past the World Trade Centre and I saw how massive and busy the building was. If the bombings occured earlier, or if I were still in New York, I could have been dead.
And that's just scary. I just hope this doesn't erupt into World War III or something.
Btw, thanks to all the well-meaning people who contacted me in some way or other to offer their support on my latest entries, but just a few things to clear up :
1) I am not in a new relationship with Boy. We are still good friends, and I'm really not sure if I want this. I don't think I want to commit to anything yet.
2) I was just freaking out, and I'm not going through "a rough patch". I managed to submit my essay on time and I realised I got the dateline for my Sociologuy term paper wrong. I am still a bit stressed up about my schoolwork, but I know God will carry me through. =)
Continue to keep me in prayer though.
Also rather amazingly, I got to share my testimony and the basics of the gospel with my lecture mate HY today. I was nervous and hesitant, but the Holy Spirit prompted me to speak and anointed my lips as I talked to her. The words just came pouring out, and I knew that it made sense to her. Just pray for more opportunities to plant the seeds of faith in her...
And I think of all the people who perished without hearing about God's love and plan of salvation and eternal life for them, and how they would never get a chance to...
Bless their souls, O Lord.
2:38 a.m.
Darling Ann reminded me to be handle the issue wisely, because the hearts of two guys (him and JT) are involved this time.
"You can stay beautiful like a rose but don't prick the guys that like you."
Silly ramblings late into the night, but it holds some truth to it I guess.
Monday, 10th September 2001
I never knew I could cause so much trouble as a girl.
Turns out I was the indirect reason why Boy cried yesterday. After I left, Boy went to the food court and saw members of his adult CG. He sat down to have lunch with them, only to have them express their utmost disappointment with him for not turning up for CG on Friday. His CGL Ivy had misconceptions about Boy and misheard from other people that he was going to join mine. JT lambasted him for his actions, going as much to say Boy was useless in YF and could be kicked out anytime. He was angry that Boy had given so many excuses about how his CG was too far for him and yet he didn't have a problem coming to mine. Boy was given an ultimatum to leave or stay.
A lot of harsh words were used, the situation turned ugly. Boy tried to control himself, but the tears just flowed naturally. He said sorry eventually, but not too willingly. He was obviously mad at JT for the sudden outburst, having not even heard a hint for the past weeks.
I was incredulous. In my heart I knew that if Boy had gone to anyone else's adult CG, JT would not even be half as mad as he were. I knew the sermon about singlehood had affected JT deeply, and he hasn't been in the right state of mind of late. It's not even my fault that his feelings for me are not reciprocated, but the way things are going, I can't help but feel I should shoulder some responsibility.
But I still maintain my stand that I never led him on and made things clear to him already, but he chose to persist. A few months ago, I actually felt terrible for rejecting JT and was tormented by nightmares of him having to marry this undesirable woman and I seriously thought I was ruining his future. Am I putting myself in too important a place?
Boy had already sensed some animosity between JT and him a while ago, and he revealed to me on the phone last night that they had talked it out. He asked JT if it was because we were close, and JT flared up that someone had told Boy that he liked me. And the person, my friends, was yours truly. Boy did not want to implicate me, so he remain tight-lipped about the informer, but he insisted that it was dead-obvious and I needn't have told him anyway.
Okay. So within the problem of his adult CG entails another problem with me. I told Boy that I can't stop being friends with him just because it affects JT, and I wanted to talk to JT about it. If he's going to be affected by who I mix around with and what I do, it's going to affect my youth CG and even YF. I don't even know if JT is angry with me or still harbours liking for me. And that isn't important because no matter what he does, I still won't like him romantically. Boy stopped me and told me nothing I can say would make JT feel any better and it's best to leave it alone and let him sort out his thoughts.
Boy told me that although he feels very comfortable with my CG, there was no way he could return because he didn't want to set tongues wagging. He's probably going to try out a few other CGs before making a decision on where to settle down in.
But all in all I had a good conversation with Boy and we moved on to talk about aspects of the Bible (no kidding!), our childhoods, our family and such. It's funny how we're wildly different in so many ways yet I find myself being able to be totally honest with him about myself. =)
We're meeting up to go for Sports Club on Wednesday and have lunch together on Thursday. =)
1:37 p.m.
STRESS.
I'm sitting in the school's computer cluster (hogging the terminal, heh) and I just realised minutes ago that my IT lecturer had posted an essay question online, and the dateline is tomorrow.
Naturally, I panicked because I have a training session with Pastor Basille tonight on inner healing and deliverance and I can't handle my time. So I called JT to tell him about my dilemma and I can skip tonight's session, but there'll still be two more follow-ups tomorrow and on Sunday. He also told me inviting Boy to my CG on Friday caused a lot of unhappiness and I said my sorries. Apparently he's writing a letter to me pertaining the encouragement card I wrote him on Sunday.
Boy reminded me of the verse I told him about why we should let the pressure of the world bother us when He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world! Indeed, God is on my side and I have nothing to fear. Just gotta work hard and entrust the results to God. =)
I am meeting Boy for dinner tonight.
7:42 p.m.
We had dinner at the coffee shop near my place, and surprisingly I didn't have much of an appetite. Left half my plate of dumplings uneaten. Boy was leaning to his side and looking at something behind me, so I turned around to see what it was.
The rooftop of the carpark across the road.
And although I've been living in this area almost all my life and have eaten there innumerous times, it never crossed my mind that there was a carpark opposite.
"Have you been up there? To look at the scenery..."
The skeptic in me arose. "Eh, no. Never thought about it. What's there to see anyway? Just HDB flats and some trees loh."
"I bet the air up there must be very fresh. C'mon, let's go up there, it'll be good for you."
So after some convincing, we were walking the five stories up to the roof top. It was... vacant. But the air was fresh, just like he said, and it was so serene up there. We leaned on the railings and talked, but we were occasionally quiet. The topic of JT cropped up again, but we dismissed it soon after.
And the timely words from him - Imagine how small Singapore is on the face of the earth. Imagine how tiny you are on the face of Singapore. And imagine how small your problem compared to the world's.
And he passed me a card, on which was written "You fill my life with sunshine." Aww!
Sunday, 9th September 2001
It is not fair that Nick strutted into the auditorium during service today looking utterly gorgeous in his ribbed white tee and plain jeans, just as I had set my mind of moving on. During the sermon "Single but NOT satisfied", Pastor Tiak mentioned something about how it's okay to try out a relationship with someone and fail and at that very instant, we coincidentally turned to look at one another and burst out laughing. Oh, but he has such a pretty smile...
Enough of the obsessing over his poster-boy good looks.
I had a quick lunch with Ben at Long John's after service, after which I took a train down to Clementi to meet my Japanese Studies tutorial group to discuss about our project presentation next week. I was restless and tired on the journey there, but I prayed for strength and wisdom and the discussion went great! We took all of an hour and a half to settle everything, plus I was able to tell them a bit on what I learnt from the sermon today (although they are all non-Christians) and shared my views on pre-marital sex and love.
Called Boy when the discussion was ending to ask him what he was doing, when he told me rather mysteriously that he needed to talk to me. When I asked him about what, he just said he cried after service today, and I'm guessing it's either over his family problems or well, me. I got really worried and asked him repeatedly if he was truly okay and if he wanted to meet up and talk, but he insisted I go home and to call him tonight. So the whole of my afternoon was spent in suspense, and I'm left wondering what on earth he has to say... I will call him slightly later and update here. =}
12:00 a.m.
Ann came up to me before YF and asked me if there was anything I should tell her. I was incredulous at how she could detect the situation arising so soon, but I tried to feign innocence.
"We made a pact... to tell each other about such things, remember?" she reminded.
I refused to say anything until she tell me who the informer was and what exactly was said.
It so happened that Boy was standing at the door, and she glanced over and grinned. "His surname... begins with a *, right?"
I let out a nervous laughter. How did you know, I exclaimed. Turns out JT approached her during dinner yesterday and asked her if there was a new person in my life. And if Boy and I were seeing each other. She was reasonably taken aback because she had no inkling or as much as a hint. She refuted that it was probably an unfounded conclusion, but came up to ask me today anyhow.
I thought JT was over me and put it all behind, but it was stupid of me to think that whatever I do would not have an effect on him. Just like if Weichun were to get together with someone, it would kill me over.
After YF, YW, Ann and I had a good talk over my feelings for Boy and what I should do. It was a huge relief, in a way, to be able to tell my best friends in church about him and keep them accountable for me. And in a sense, I needed to hear what they think about it.
Much to my surprise, YW didn't die from shock upon hearing who he was. In fact, they were encouraging and were happy I snapped out of my usual boy-crazy mode. Ann sensed that this was something different this time because it wasn't lust as first sight or based on physical attraction, and we started out as friends.
They both agreed that I should continue to evaluate him as a potential partner and find out more about him to see our compatibility. And as a practical measure, I should talk to his BS teacher to ask for deeper opinions. And that I should tell him about my family background and let him know why and how it has affected me the way I am.
Actually, I told them, I already have shared with him about mine, and he has about his too, but I know there's more that he hasn't told me.
And all these while, my main concern was that my mum would never approve. Plus how would people react? JT, Weichun, my youth CG, my family members... It's not as simple as it seems and it would be irresponsible and impulsive of me to dive straight into a relationship without considering all these factors.
I want to know what he makes of our current relationship, but I'm not going to ask right out.
And oh, I did it! I deleted all of Nick's SMS. Shirley wanted to do it for me, but I was afraid I might hold it against her next time, and I did the dirty deed myself. Full marks for decisive courage? =P
Saturday, 8th September 2001
(And more pictures of me without makeup.) I played host the entire day. Daniel, Zhaoqiang, Train, LJ, Jes and Cherrie came over in the afternoon on the pretext of rehearsing for the YF dance item tomorrow, but they ended up lazing around eating and watching re-runs of Channel 8 drama serials and some looked through my old dorky photos. Later on we walked to the sheltered sports court near my place to play basketball and soccer. As usual, I didn't make a difference to the game (too 'girl', they said, bah!) and sat out later. In the evening, Boy and I went to meet my adult CG at Westmall for dinner and we shared our dessert again. I paid for his dinner since he forgot to withdraw cash again. The adult CG started off relatively normal, with silly icebreakers and a good time of worship, but when we embarked on our discussion of sex, Nicholas got into a rather heated argument with the rest of us. His stand was that marriage was just a formality and it should be between the couple, and there was nothing wrong with co-habitation. We took turns referring him to the Word of God, but he kept playing with the words and pointing out the loopholes. We were almost raising our voices at one another! Ray didn't take it too well. He's been stressed out with all the crazy happenings in his family and he was greatly angered by how fundamentally wrong Nicholas's viewpoint was. He tried to control himself, but we encouraged him to let it all out, and he broke down pitifully, angry with his dad and disappointed with his parents' failing marraige. After we listened to his sob story, we decided to lay hands on him and just commit the problems unto the Lord. In a rather cheesy twist, we ended up holding hands (and Ant wouldn't stop swaying his!) and singing "God will make a way". The session ended rather late, but I hope Ray felt better. I guess all I can is keep him in constant prayer!
Friday, 7th September 2001
Bumble bumble bumble bee...
Stayed over at Ray's place after Sports Club on Wednesday night where we ate, laughed, shared and prayed... Poor Ray was chased out of his own room when the three princesses wanted to sleep. =)
After brekkie on Thursday, I took the train home, bathed then went downstairs to meet Boy again.
We had a nice lunch at the mall opposite my place, after which he treated me to dessert (our usual routine, taking turns to treat each other, heh) and I walked him back to his office.
It was the second time I walked him back... =)
Message me when you reach home to ensure me you're safe and sound... k. I couldn't help but smile when I saw his SMS as I walked home from his office.
When I got home, I noticed the new IKEA catalogue had come in and I excitedly showed my mum all the lovely offers they had and within an hour, we were out of the house ready to go! It's been a long time since I last gone shopping with my mum, but I'll admit I was irritated by her slow strolling as always. I almost bought this standing red lamp, but we decided that could wait till we move in November. So I got myself a dustbin, wall clock, quilt set and cloth bag. All paid by my darling of a mum. =)
My sister came to join us in the evening and we had dinner at the food court across the road.
I asked her about Boy, what she thought of him and 'us'. She already suspected something was up the other day when she saw us together and she thinks he's alright.
I don't know. It's just a recurring thought, of being with him. We've known each other for close to a year and the truth is I dated (for 2 weeks) his best friend and Boy has always been a good friend. He's definitely not what I had in mind, but he's charming, sweet, funny, sensitive and rather cute. I like how he doesn't always talk about himself (as opposed to Weichun and Nick) until he asks about me and how my day went first.
But my sister and I both agreed my mum would never approve. She did ask me about Boy on our bus ride to IKEA, but I kept it short and simple.
Well, I guess only time can tell.
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." - Song of Songs 2:7b
Sometime ago
My secret shame, hahaha, not really, but I got this funky purple shirt from Sam Goody's at a mall in Boston for US$1.88! It was the last piece and I knew I just had to buy it... =) And I'm not embarrassed about wearing it at all!
And I also found some old photos that I never got down to uploading.
Wednesday, 5th September 2001
I organised another dinner for my youth CG tonight at this small, cosy restaurant Spice Bistro located on the ground floor of Keypoint Mall, somewhere between Bugis and Cityhall. I had been there a couple of times when I worked at American Express across the road and was absolutely in love with the ambience and wonderful food they served there. =) I had the set dinner of a cream of brocolli soup, chilli-lime grilled half-chicken served with vegetables and butter rice and chocolate brownie for dessert... heavenly. =P~ The light was a bit too dim for our liking (I think we need to see our food when we eat and our faces when we talk, haha!) but the seats were very cushy indeed. =) The photos are all up in here. After the fantastic meal, we walked over to the second-floor open air area of The Concourse and sat around in a circle to talk. JT initiated the conversation where feelings about the CG were tossed out and I was encouraged and affirmed by all the things they said. Funny how a few people mentioned they felt weird when they realised they had been posted to my CG, seeing how I was new to the role and they had hardly known me before, but I guess God has been faithful and good to the CG. I know there's still a lot of room for growth and improvement but it's nice to hear them assure me I was doing a good job. =) We ended the night rather late by praying for me as their leader and then for individual prayer needs. For the people not there like Clue, Jane, Ben, HL, Eugene and Ian... God loves His people much more than we can ever imagine!
Tuesday, 4th September 2001
Yesterday YW and I spent about three hours studying at the National Library (out of which almost one hour was spent queueing for the use of the stoopid photocopying machine, grr!) and after that we went shopping. =) YW got the shoes she was looking for and I bought two books from the Christian bookstore.
When evening came we almost charged into Taco Bells (we were fasting before) and finished our meal of two grilled beef tacos with nachos supreme and cinnamon twist in 15 minutes flat. Then we walked around some more and bought Weichun this Doraemon inflatable giant hammer with little balls in it and it rattles... heh.
The day came to a nice end when we sat outside Plaza Singapura and prayed for each other's CG and YF. =)
Anyhow, Daniel is coming to my place for lunch laters. Yay. Haven't had a friend over in quite a while. Wonder what my maids would whip up, though my funny aunt called up and asked my mum to loan them to her for a movie shoot. Hmmm.
Speaking of which, she asked me if I wanted to act with Andy Lau (Hong Kong superstar) a few months back and I rejected her on the basis that I wasn't really a fan, and only now do I realised it's the movie "Fulltime Killer" featuring *gasp* the indominable Takashi Sorimachi that she was talking about! Imagine that! She even asked me to moonlight as Terence Cao's girlfriend for some drama serial once, but I turned her down too. Geez.
Monday, 3rd September 2001
Lots and lots and lots of new photos taken in church, all uploaded here.
My favourite is the one I took with YW.
 But the best was still the photo of darling Nick that Xrys took for me, yay. =) I like it muchly!  1:28 a.m. Yesterday we had a mass outdoor event for YF where we ran around the Cityhall area on a scavenger hunt and I ended up with ten different colored nails (and one very rad shimmery pink shade from Red Earth) and drank two cups of bubble tea in a day (ugh). Xin, YW, Ann and I ended up at Burke's after the programme to catch up and share about what's been happening in each other's life. Then I joined Shirley and gang at Black Teabox to talk some more and only got home near midnight. My legs were so sore I couldn't quite feel them anymore! Xin asked me if my issue with Weichun was resolved and I replied with my usual air of nonchalence although it matters much to me. I've tried, time and again, and am still trying but what's the point if he doesn't want to bother? It's his horrible attitude that is stumbling our friendship. But I don't wanna make him the scapegoat of this situation, although I know I've reached my threshold of insouciance from him. Today I literally dragged myself down for service because I was completely washed out and went around giving hugs to people (mainly because I wanted to collapse on someone, hah!). I should have had spoken to Nick and asked him how he was doing, but the words got stuck in my throat when we stood face-to-face at Mac's today. Instead, he gave me an awkward smile and I reciprocated with a weak half-smile. Can't seem to talk when there are too many people around. Gosh, this is just like what happened with Weichun, no? Oh, nevermind the both of them. There are still plenty of other guys to go around (and I'm sure I've said that before). Watched "Cats and Dogs" at Toa Payoh with Xrys and Cheewei late afternoon. It was better than I expected although I was getting restless halfway into the show, the ending more than made up for it. Imagine a gargantuan troop of animated rats marching to jail with their heads slumped in humiliation... =P I would write more, but my brain has conked out. Good night! ArchivesApril+May June July August
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