| Hello, my name is Tricia.
In the Nick of time
In the eyes of his female admirers distributed all across the small island of Singapore, Nick Lim is a walking dream-come-true, all 6"1 of an incredible stud. Despite his boring buzz-cut and unelaborated dress sense, girls flock to him like bees to honey and it is certainly not uncommon for him to be approached by the more daring females while walking along the street. While he does not tell you outright about his evident popularity, the girls themselves are not afraid to admit that they were the ones who made the first move. It sometimes seems they would do anything (ranging from the silly to the scary) than to pass up an opportunity to know a golden boy like him. Observers often perceive him to be distant and aloof because of his laid-back attitude in friendship-forming, but 15 minutes into a casual conversation with him (although it is hard not to get distracted and lost in those mesmerising eyes of his) would allow you a candid sneak into his life. He relates to you matter-of-factly about what a feisty woman his mother is. Like how she literally threw a chopper at the direction of his elder brother’s friend who ignored her repeated request for him to "get out of the house". In a dramatic twist, he dodges the flying weapon and the chopper is lodged (with a "thwack") onto the door behind him. He showed no hint that he was joking, and why would he anyway? Afterwards he moves on to talk about his father, an accomplished businessman in all sense of the word. He has already calculated the exact pocket money needed (to the significant age of 21) for all his five children ranging from 7 to 23 years. In Nick’s case (who is just a year short of 21), his father has already cashed in the remaining amount into his bank account. While it would be too bad if Nick unwisely squanders the money away, he assures you he is not a big-spender. He also has not qualms about sharing interesting and sometimes strange details about himself. I bet you couldn’t tell this disarmingly handsome young man here collects beanie babies, once worked as a paid website designer or that he plans to take over his father’s furniture business after he completes in National Service in 4 years’ time. Nick is not even a hint of the himbo people make him out to be, holding an impressive IQ of 140 (the average man on the street measures 100) and alternates almost flawlessly between Chinese and English. He is opinionated, but tactful in expressing his view to people who beg to differ. As much as he wants to prove himself, a game of basketball with him tells you he is not eager to give a one-man-show and even lets the girls have their try at shooting hoops. And I thought chivalry was dead in our male-dominated society. He works out regularly at the gym and sometime flips through workout magazines while he browses at Kinokuniya, but chomps heartily into deep-fried food and dips his fries in an almost-obscene amount of mayonnaise. He generously buys "10 pork floss bread from Breadtalk" at one go for his family, albeit on his meagre pay of $240 a month from the government. "And I didn’t even get to a bite! By the time I went upstairs to bath and back later, they had finished every single piece I bought!" It’s okay Nick. I’m certain there are scores of girls lining outside your door waiting to buy you all the pork floss bread you can eat. It is hard to discern if his chatiness is a reflection of his narcissism (but who can blame him for being such a good-looker?) or simply in-borned, although he maintains that he does not care much about his looks. I leave you to make up your own mind. Tricia Tan reporting for The Supagirl Press
Sunday, 7th October 2001
I went a little boppy with my iCam today. (It is also a proof of my versatility, hah!)
Most of them caught buses home, so Alan and I walked to the train station together. Felt kinda weird about it because I've been getting strange vibes from him and I didn't want to create any opportunities for us to be alone. Last week, he was trying to convince me that it was okay to date a non-Christian. (He's a non-believer.) I made my stand that it is stated clearly in God's Word that we are not to "yoke with unbelievers" but he had the "I'm sure you'll change your mind sometime" look on his face. He wanted to buy me a cup of cappucino after our chat, but I told him I could afford my own coffee (not with hostility, though). But later I was so pre-occupied with something that I ended up spilling the cup I paid for myself and he went off to buy me another cup anyways. Today on our way back to Cityhall, he asked me frankly if I was "eye-ing" anyone in church, and since I can't lie, I nodded my head and he immediately referred to Nick (as the "tall tall with no hair guy at Sports Club right?"). I was rather amused that he could tell so soon but apparently I had a besotted look on my face and he knew because I acted very un-naturally whenever Nick was around. Which also led me to wonder how come Alan was noticing so much about me, but nevermind. Interestingly, he commented that if he were me, he would also think of Nick as the most good-looking guy he's ever set his eyes on. When we were in the station and waiting for the trains, he adviced me that it wasn't too wise to devote all my time and energy in a single guy, and cryptically added that there was certainly many other good guys around. He said that with a wry smile on his face. I retorted that I was aware of the fact, but I'm really just not interested. Hope he gets the hint. Maybe I'm shameless in thinking he might be interested in me, but I'm not taking any chances. And oh, Nick got posted to OCS. I'm happy for him since it's what he's always wanted. And I'm fine as long as he's "locked up" training to serve the nation and I don't have to worry about where or what he's doing. I do recognise how ridiculous it is for me to expect all these things from him since we're nothing to each other. Honestly, I'm trying to rid of all that unwarranted possessiveness in me. I have made God too small in my eyes, and I want to magnify Him in my life. 8:58 p.m.
Daniel always tells me that mian qiang shi bu hui you xin fu de, loosely translated from Chinese to mean you will never happy if you force love. I actually went out with Nick and Clue today, which should have made me a happy chick now. But it was such a royal waste of time for me I wish I didn’t arrange to meet with them. (No offence, Clue.) We went to Bugis Kinokuniya and browsed around for an hour - the guys flipping through their computer/IT-related magazines and me looking for a present for Lynx. After that we wandered around rather aimlessly, to the GPRS fair, the Singtel shop, the Sell-a-vision store (!!!) and I walked off to Sasa alone in search of a glittery fuschia nail polish shade. Nick asked me one question. What time do you have to go to school tomorrow? He lamented about how he has to be at the OCS training school by 7 in the morning and he lives on the other end of the island. Something like that. Finally we decided to sit down somewhere since there was obviously nothing else to do. We walked to the Burger King at Beach Road. It would be the perfect opportunity for me to talk to him properly, but he wouldn’t quit yapping about army life with Clue, which I obviously haven’t an inkling about. So the whole one and a half hours I just sat there listening to them like an idiot, with me twirling Clue’s handphone on the table haplessly and looking dreamily into nothing. Why wasn’t I gazing at his lovely countenance? We departed close to five. He received an SMS and was laughing about it. Showed Clue the message. "This is the girl I met the other day... she says from some angle I look like Louis Ku (Hongkong actor)." Inside of me I cringed. Not another girl! But at least he didn’t reply to her when I was around or it would have killed me. Don’t think I directed more than five sentences to him the whole friggin’ time. I think I have to come to terms with the fact that I’ll possibly never be able to hold a decent conversation with him face-to-face. The more I think about it, the more ridiculous the whole thing seems. It’s not like I don’t have other choices, but yet I adamantly stick to him. Stupid girl, me.
Friday, 5th October 2001
Today was totally wasted. Spent too much time thinking and worrying about stupid Nick. I haven't even began on my English term paper due tomorrow (I've only just finished the readings) on the comparison of rate of changes between languages. Thankfully I talked to Chaz on the phone in the afternoon and we managed to do an informal discussion and throw some ideas off each other. Although I'm in slacks and socks, I can't stop rubbing my feet off the legs of my chair to wear off a bit of the itch. It's not working and I'm about to lose my mind. Every night, I pray that God would take this discomfort off me but I always wake up in the morning to find that the itch stays. I've tried all sorts of help - anti-lice shampoo, Dettol, anti-itch shampoo, antiseptic cream, aloe vera gel, medicated oil, deep heat and tea tree oil, but nothing works. I'm starting to feel helpless and am wondering if He is punishing me for something I have (or have not) done? But I am inclined to think that He isn't such a cruel God and I'm sure there must be a bigger picture in here somewhere, I just need to see it. Until then, I just can't be normal or do anything. 1:00 a.m. So here I am, sitting in front of the computer, supposedly working on my essay but I just spent the last hour or so clicking and surfing around inanely. I’ve come to acknowledge the fact that I’m not in the right mood to write anything good, so I shall chuck it aside and wake up earlier tomorrow to do it. 1000-2000 words, shouldn’t take me more than 4 hours, I hope. I’ve been feeling down for the past few days, and I didn’t know it showed as much till Zhaoqiang came up to me at Sports Club yesterday and asked me how I’m doing. JT had instructed him to talk to me when he had the time and cheer me up. Even Train had noticed too. I know I haven’t been a very good CGL of late. I’m sorry. I really am. I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m just being swept by the wave, pushed around from people to people. Is it the itch really the root of the problem? I hope not, but imagine having to wipe yourself with a hot towel soaked in Dettol solution twice a day, and then have your family help you reach the areas you can’t? I feel like an invalid. I am conscious of the fact that there’s something wrong with my skin and it’s not exactly very becoming of a women to walk down the corridor with her hand scratching her butt or the back of her thighs. But I really can’t help it. People’s been telling me to leave it alone, that it would go away in a few days, but it’s been with me for more than a week and the stupid doctor couldn’t help. How can anyone understand how dreadful this truly is? Is it Nick? I know what I am supposed (i.e. get over him and move on) but my heart supercedes all rationality. I know he’s not the one I will spend the rest of my life with (and neither am I for his) and I know nothing will come out of this but I don’t want to let go. I’m stubborn as a mule, just like my dad (or so my mother always say). Is it my schoolwork? The impossible datelines are robbing me of the pleasures of studying. I’m meeting the bare minimal and I’ve stopped enjoying it for a long time. I know I can and will do well if only I’ll put my mind to it. I have to admit nowadays my prayers are usually centered around myself. So shoot me, but I need to let it out somewhere. Pray for me, will you? 11:41 a.m. Weird. Yesterday I messaged Nick but he didn't reply and I just got a message from him asking me if I was aware of the NUS D&D at Chinablack last night... Well, I wasn't because I never go clubbing (and felt kinda uncool and unhappening, heh). The thing is, I actually heard live reports about it on Power 98 then and I had this strange nagging feeling that he could have been partyin' in there. Maybe I am pyschic? Or maybe we are destined for each other, hahahaha. Ignore me. I am just happy we're conversing though SMS now. =) 2:40 p.m. The clock is ticking away and I am not moving on in my essay. I have lexical constipation, my own crude way of saying mental block, heh. I don't think it would be so funny if I missed the dateline today though. But whoopee, my tutorial mate Caryn just SMS-ed me and told me she has my English quiz (which I thought was a goner) and I scored a fantabulous 80 marks! Nevermind that Chaz got 95, I'm proud of myself. =) As I was saying, I was messaging Nick just now and asked him when he was going back to the army. I had intended to ask him out this weekend, seeing as how there would be no service, but he told me he's booking in tomorrow! Oh well. He said it was too bad, and that if the rumours were true that he got posted to OCS, I won't see him for one whole month. That's a long time... Then I realised that it probably was in God's plan all along, so that I can make use of Nick's absence this four weeks to fully focus on schoolwork since my exams are coming up in a month. So, one problem down. Once I finished the essay, another would be down too. Then it's just the itch. I can handle this, I'm a big girl.
Thursday, 4th October 2001
I sat outside the basketball court today watching the boys shoot hoops while I applied cream to my scarred legs, wondering to myself why Nick hadn’t turned up yet. It would have been a wasted trip - I literally hauled myself to Sports Club on a 45-minute bus ride, only because I knew he would come. And then I saw him, as I turned back every few minutes to observe the people streaming in and hoping to see his pretty face in the crowd. And pardon my carnal flesh, but he looked so darn gorgeous in his white tee and Levi’s Engineered jeans I would lap him up gladly. If I wasn’t such a great actress I would jump up in glee and clap my hands to display my elation now that he was here. It was almost sickening how seconds ago I was in the pits of doldrums feeling sorry for myself over everything, but now that he appeared, everything was a ray of sunshine. I think I was the first person he spoke to when he got there. "You know," he said as our eyes met and mine lit up in a starstruck schoolgirl fashion, "I only realised I forgot to bring my shorts when I was out of the house." "Then what are you doing here?" I responded innocently, and when realising how rude it sounded, added "you wanna borrow shorts from someone, I’m sure there are extras around." He shook his head and said he would just play in his jeans (not that I minded). After throwing his now-empty can drink in the dustbin a few feet away, he stood a distance behind me and *gasp* took off his white tee to change into a singlet. I could only see him from the corner of my eye and as badly as I wanted to see him in his topless glory, I stopped myself from acting so pathetically in front of him. Instead, I sat there and looked ahead with my eyes fixated on the game but mind fixated on him. I couldn’t get over how fabulous he looked. If lust could kill, I would be dead. Chua made me join in the game, but I was just there to make up the number and touched the basketball only two or three times. The rest of the night went by rather aimlessly because there weren’t enough courts to go around and I didn’t get the chance to talk to him except for the occasional eye contact. The whole group of us took the bus to Newton for supper after Sports Club ended and I decided against sitting on the empty seat next to him for fear of saying/doing something potentially stupid. We ended up at the same table and I sat directly opposite him. This time there was more conversation, albeit on corny topics. I like it when he looks at me, breaks into a bashful smile and look away soon after. I was swooning about him to Xrys every given chance (obviously when he wasn’t around) and poor her had to listen to my incessant torrent of declaration of admiration about him! We took the train back together, but split up at Cityhall when he left for the East-bound train with the boys and I transferred to the West-bound train alone. As I approached my destination, I decided to message him. "Don’t say I never talk to you... hope u had a gd ride home and slp well!" To which he replied, "Can c that u r trying hard. Good night." It sounded a bit patronizing, but I choose to be oblivious. =P
Wednesday, 3rd October 2001
I decided to "take a nap" at half-past four in the morning when I realised that my brain wasn't functioning anymore and I wasn't being productive or coherent... Well, I only just woke up and I am officially seven hours away from the final dateline. Woah. At least my essay is 3/4 done, although I really need to refine the existing text I have. I just realised how ambiguous or incomplete some of my points were... but I am not far from the word limit. =P Let's just hope it'd be a good essay. Should I go to Sports Club tonight? Nick should be there, but he hasn't been responding to my SMS since Sunday (although Xrys tells me there's no need to reply to forwarded SMSs, heh) and I'm wondering if he's indifferent or angry. Truthfully, I prefer the latter - at least it means he cares! 2:34 p.m. Vetted, printed, stapled. All 2050 words of an essay, for the lack of a better title, called "My Family: Then and now". I am a genius. =)
Tuesday, 2nd October 2001
Busty women have their woes too. Xrys got me a lovely Korean-imported checkered blouse from the Army market today, but it becomes a tight mid-riff top on me. =( Which is why I have a hard time finding tops that fit nicely or looks normal on me... seems like most designers have in mind flat-chested, skinny people. I usually like wearing plain coloured tees though, because they're easy on the eyes and versatile. I met Xrys at Clementi after school today and it turned out she travelled all the way down from Lavender just so she could buy me the dress I've been eyeing. Incredible. After some cajoling from her, we went into the departmental store and started trying on all the pretty dresses they had on the racks. I was deliberating between an ethnic-looking green one and a sweet blue one. In the end I got the blue one, although the cutting was the same as the red one I got, but it's very "me" and I like it muchly. =P We had a good time just hanging out and talking over coffee, catching up on each other's life. Thank you girl. I don't know why I deserve it, but I'll wear it with a smile. =) I am very tired now. Did not work on the term paper today at all, but I gathered information off the net (yet to be read) and did some informal e-mail survey with a couple of friends (so they can help me brainstorm for ideas, heh) and I will work on the draft tomorrow afternoon. Then I will get it out proper at a superhuman speed by Wednesday afternoon. Grant me wisdom and strength, Lord. 1:18 p.m.
We were supposed to put up a little performance for our music class today, so Chaz and I teamed up and did a little harmonizing and variation to the tune of "Stand by me". (Some of our classmates commented that Chaz and I look alike and asked if we were sisters. Hmmm.) Some performances were really amazing and talented so compared to theirs, ours was a fairly simple and straightforward presentation. Surprising though, ours was the only one the lecturer didn't critique! Apparently we had incorporated all these factors (which we weren't aware of, haha) and all he mentioned was that we needed to polish it up to be more coherent. To quote him, "Charmaine and Tricia, very nice!" Heh. To think that we didn't even rehearse it through until the 10-minute break he gave us. =P
Monday, 1st October 2001
It's October already! My mum told me we're moving on the 24th (or was it 21st?) and I need to start packing soon. I can't imagine having to keep all my things in boxes and actually relocating and resettling myself in another place altogether. I'm excited, but dreading it at the same time. But change is good. =) I think I'll need to get some friends over to help me though... I have SO MUCH junk from all the years of my life... I am taking a break from doing my genealogy project for Sociology, in the midst of typing out the details of the individuals in my extended family (for the last three generations including mine). I thought it was gonna be relatively easy but it seems to be taking the longest time. I am on my 7th page and I have another 5-6 to go... My family (mother's side) is ridiculously big. I think my maternal grandmother was some sorta child-bearing machine, she had two husbands and amazingly bore 14 children, 6 of which died at a relatively young age. I unearthed so many interesting facts about my family as I was interviewing my mother... but I'm too tired to write it all out, so I'll do it tomorrow or something. But one thing that did strike me was - my dad grew up without a mother. She died shortly after giving birth to his younger sister, Irene. (She was given away at the age of one to a Chong family because their father could not cope with the family.) So my dad was poor and had to learn to do a lot of things on his own... I don't know, it just breaks my heart to think of a small kid not having a motherly figure to love and nurture him and I'm actually crying as I'm typing this out... I mean, I hate my dad sometimes and all, but his family background probably has a lot to do with the way he perceives and treats my mum and even us kids. I don't know. I'm just becoming jaded by the notion of love and marriage. A lot of things happened today. I passed Nick the letter I wrote him before service today... and he only read it in the afternoon but only responded at 6-ish.
"I read your letter. I got look so dao (arrogant) meh? Why do you feel so uncomfort around me?" And all he replied with was, "U will always be my sis in Christ." I'm not even sure what he meant by that, but I have to admit that it wasn't what I was expecting and it crushed me. I saw it as a rejection of some sort, although the letter was far from a declaration of love (it was more like an explanation of which I don't talk to him when I see him). I know I'm just thinking too much, but I can't help but be upset. So I went to take a nap as instructed by Lynx, hoping it would take my mind off the issue. Well, I woke up feeling more grouchy and irritated by ever. The problem seemed to have cryptically magnified itself in my sleep and I just felt like the biggest moron on earth and wished I hadn't written or gave him the letter. To make matters worse, my parents apparently had a huge fight when I was sleeping and my sister would tell me later that he was shouting at her and she was on the verge of tears. It was some issue about financial control, he was once again accusing my mother of overspending. (And I can vouch that she does not.)
So my mum immediately started working on a list of all the money she's spent for the last three months to prove herself (and I think a lot of money went into... me and my education) and seriously, I don't think my dad gives a To top things off, my itch is not getting better, even after seeing a doctor last night. I have skin peeling off from where I rubbed too hard and it's just horrendous. I griped about it via SMS to Lynx, who reminded me that I've given out my fair share of rejections (point taken =P) and that I was only attracted to Nick physically (another point taken) and he certainly wasn't everything (final blow!). It's just amazing how much sense an outsider can make with this mess I'm in. He also said something about how "sometimes the jigsaw puzzle don't fit, don't force the pieces of unsuited jigsaw puzzle together or at least one of the piece is going to get hurt." When am I going to find my missing piece? 2:37 a.m. I should have known that I won't get offline so soon. I was supposed to get back to my project, but I'm too busy eating my buttered melon seeds (courtesy of Supaboy) and surfing around. Where did my self-discipline go?
4:32 a.m. I am finally done with my darn report, woohoo, all 13 pages of it! Now I have my 2000 words essay to write on, well, an analysis of microcosm of social history. Rrright. I need another cup of coffee. I think I shall not sleep and go for JS lecture at 10 o'clock in the morning. Maybe I'll skip my IT tutorial in the late afternoon (since I didn't prepare for it anyway, mwahaha). We'll see how long I can last. =P Say, did you know that
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I spent a lovely night out just talking and drinking coffee at Clarke Quay with some friends after YF today... There was (going round the table from my left) Shuz, Ant, Alan, Jeremy, Shirley, Julie, Xueli and myself. I actually brought my digicam but didn't load it with any batteries, heh.
